Weight Loss 1

As I began studying Martha Beck's book, The Four Day Win: End Your Diet War and Achieve Thinner Peace, I (of course) jumped almost immediately to the Appendix, entitled "The Four-Day Win Jump-Start Weight-Loss Plan." Martha promises quick initial results by following this Jump-Start Plan, though she also insists on a commitment to work through the entire book to achieve lasting results.

Okay, okay, says my impatience. Or is it my eagerness? At any rate, let's get started.


The "Stage 1: Precontemplation" section summarizes facts about how to create a state of "famine brain." This is a natural state of mind brought about when we deprive ourselves of food. Martha says it's the opposite of what we want in order to lose weight effectively, and she talks about how it can actually restructure our brain to make weight an ongoing problem. I'll let you read the details yourself. Let me just note that it's fascinating, it's based on science, and it seems to explain a lot of my experience!

What I want to do here is work through the exercise in this section.

1. Messages in my environment show slender, even skinny, people having a lot of fun. Overweight people are subjects of derision, clownish figures who are depicted as ridiculous and not worthy of respect. It's okay to make fun of fat people, since they don't have feelings or they are too stupid to understand how ridiculous they are. Thin people are successful; fat people are absurd failures. Thin people have friends; fat people are alone with their food. Thin people look well-groomed; fat people are sloppy and disgusting. Thin people are leaders and managers; fat people are nerds who can be useful and then sent back to their backroom cubicle. Often, fat people are simply not there. The thin world goes on with no fat people present. One commercial shows overweight women in underwear while a song plays saying how beautiful you are. It's clearly only a ploy to sell their product. Scientific research goes on and on about how dangerous obesity is to health, how it is an epidemic, how so many popular foods are harmful for us. They never talk about credible ways to eliminate harmful foods. The studies only cause us to feel even more out of control. After all, we know we'll still eat all those fast food fries full of killer transfats. Why can't we stop? We're weak, stupid, foolish, stupid, out of control, stupid.
I hate to be considered stupid. My intelligence is one of the few things I feel pretty good about most of the time.

2. My weight is killing me. Feel that pressure on my ribs when I sit upright and my stomach presses upward? Feel that breathlessness when I walk up a couple of flights of stairs? Feel that waddle when I walk? Feel that sagging flesh under my chin? I can't even fit into a bath tub comfortably anymore. I can't even consider going swimming in public, even though I love to swim. The idea of wearing shorts and a tank top at my size is unthinkable, no matter if I'm dying of the heat. Remember how wonderful it used to feel to hike and backpack? To swing my arms by my side without feeling a bulge where my waist should be? Remember when I could jog several miles--almost forever, it seemed? Remember how wonderful it felt to feel clothing hanging comfortably around me, without binding or feeling cut off at the waist when I bent over? I want to return to those feelings. I don't feel like I can. I've failed so many times. I'm going to be fat forever because I've let this go so far it's impossible to ever even imagine being a healthy size again, to imagine ever being normal again. I am weak and disgusting. I feel terrible, and still I don't do anything about it. What's the matter with me? I've been so successful in other parts of my life. Why am I such a failure at this? Maybe I've lost it. Maybe I won't succeed at anything anymore. Maybe people will see that I'm fat and will never see me as credible again. Maybe my health will never again be good. I'm just on a downhill slide and I can't seem to save myself even a little. I can't help myself, and no one else can help me, either. The fatter I get, the more worthless I become. Why would anyone take me seriously ever again? How can I ever feel self-confidence about anything when my weight failure is so blatantly obvious to everyone?

3. I feel desolate. I feel unbearably sad. I feel afraid. I feel worthless. I feel hopeless. I feel tense and afraid. I feel inconsolable. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel frustrated and inept. I feel pain. I feel miserable. I feel hopeless. I hate myself for being so weak, so inept, so pathetic.

4. When I feel these things, I don't feel like eating. I hate food. I hate myself for even needing to eat. I hate myself for even thinking about food, ever. Right now, though, I can't feel those feelings anymore. As I reread them, they are just meaningless words. What difference does any of it make? If I can't figure out how to not be fat, who cares what I eat? I might as well eat whatever I like, whatever I enjoy, whatever is fast and easy and tastes good. I can't do anything about any of it anyway. Heaven knows I've tried. So why should I worry about any of it? Why should I care, since it's hopeless anyway? I might as well just enjoy myself in whatever way I can with regard to food.

I'm struck by how vicious all of this seems--violent almost. How vicious on the part of our culture, and how vicious of me toward myself. As I draw out of these feelings and recognize the irrationality of them, I feel like I want to deeply comfort the battered self who feels all these things so often, to hold her in my arms and offer protection. How could I allow her to be so buffeted by these feelings without surrounding her with love and compassion? I even see a vision of my spiritual self holding my small physical self, who is curled into a fetal position in my arms like a child. She will be okay--I will ensure it. I can care for her like a mother. I will watch out for her and protect her. I will help her heal. I never realized how much she needed that from me. How could I not have seen that she couldn't take care of herself without support from me (my spiritual self)? I have expected so much from her and have given her so little of my awareness. I can see how that has to change. I will seek out ways to nurture her and love her. (Right now, for example, she needs sleep.)

Well, this exercise certainly has given me food for thought (pun intended). I am feeling more self-love for my body--for myself--than I can ever remember feeling. So this is what self-love feels like! There's even a physical sensation to it--kind of an electrical charge all over, a vibrating energy. Amazing... And wonderful!